You could make a pretty strong argument that the fair distribution of household labor and chores is one of the biggest ongoing issues in relationships and marriages — it is simply hard to split housework equally 50/50 and not have either party feel resentment.
This is exactly the issue for one couple who is having trouble finding a way to play fair when it comes to working, childcare, and chores. In fact, the husband turned to Reddit’s Am I The A**hole? forum to try to parse out if he’s being a jerk or if it’s his wife.
The long and short of it is that his stay-at-home wife wants him to chip in more around the house, but he would rather hire out a housekeeper — at a cost to his partner.
He explained the situation in more detail.
“My wife is a stay at home mom,” he wrote. “We have two children. 10/12. I pay all the bills, put money aside for the kid’s education, emergencies, savings, vacations, retirement, etc. then whatever is left I split 50/50 with my wife.”
Here’s where the conflict enters.
“Recently she has decided that I do not do enough around the house so she wants me to start doing more chores,” he continued. “I asked if we were going to split up all the chores again. What I mean is the kids have their chores, she has hers, and I have mine. So if she wants me to do more I want mine redistributed as well. I think she can mow the lawn and do the yardwork and house maintenance.”
He already sounds a little obnoxious to have a conversation with, but there’s more.
“This is not what she wants,” he wrote on. “She wants me to take on more of the chores we agreed would be hers. On top of earning all the money, and all the chores I currently have.”
He went ahead and found a solution and executed it without consulting her.
“I asked her what she wanted me to do. She gave me a list. I hired a cleaning service and paid for it out of our budget before splitting the fun money. Now she says that I’m an asshole and being financially abusive. I think it’s a fair compromise.”
What did the Redditors think? Well, they landed on a simple conclusion: both of the people in this conflict probably suck. The woman is staying at home, with kids in school, and probably has enough time to clean the house (unless we don’t know the full story). On the other hand, the guy is making decisions for the family without including her, in a passive-aggressive way.
“A ‘compromise’ is an agreement made between both sides. From the description, it sounds like you did this unilaterally and are now dealing with the fallout,” read the most up-voted response. “Everyone sucks here, because even if her request was unreasonable, relationships don’t survive unilateral decision-making and failures to communicate.”
“Being technically right doesn’t mean it’s the best choice for the relationship,” another said. “Communication and mutual decisions are key for a healthy marriage.”
“He could have told her about his proposed solution in advance and dealt with any resulting pushback before hiring the service,” another added. “That way, he and his wife could have either arrived at a real ‘compromise,’ or at the very least, she would have known how he intended to handle an issue related to the home they share. I’m not saying her request was reasonable. The way OP describes the situation, it sounds like his wife really doesn’t want to carry her share of the weight in this household. However, taking unilateral actions that directly affect the home and finances of one’s partner is not the path to a healthy relationship.”
So many of these conflicts come from a simple lack of communication, an unwillingness to think about how the other person feels, and stubbornness instead of compromise. Wish this couple had just talked things out!
